Never Forgiven
by destroyedparadise234
Summary: WARNING:1st attempt at a sad story constructive criticism is appreciated! Summary: As Light dies on the staircase his last thoughts are about L, what he regrets, and how he was never going see him again no matter how much he begged for forgivness


**Hey this is my first try at something that's not happy-go-lucky. I wanted to see how it's like writing something serious and I'd really appreciate it if you guys gave constructive criticism**

**Summary: As Light dies on the staircase his last thoughts are about L**

**Warning: this is a SAD story, not my usual work although there's some slight yaoi **

**Disclaimer: I do not own nor will I ever own**

I remember after he died the false joy I showed Ryuk, the false feeling of triumph. The first few days I tried to convince myself how much better it would be now that he was dead but my heart hurt more every time I did. I tried to stay away from his grave but I found myself visiting his grave every single day. I would bring a flower and would wait at his gravesite for something. Something to show me that he's not really gone, that his spirit is really still there waiting for me to visit him every day; nothing ever happened. Eventually the visits changed from every day, to every month, then finally to once a year, the day I killed him. The day I ended the life of one of the world's greatest saviors, the one person I could truly care for. I felt as if I had to do it, that it was self-sacrifice. But now I know I was blind, misguided by my tainted morals and that I won't ever see that beautiful face again. No matter how much I got my hopes up, no matter how much I begged the gods to let me see him once more; after that last breath of his, it was really over.

I think I knew this a long time ago but I never wanted to believe it. I tried to block it and just forget everything, but I couldn't. I still remember crying silently to myself every time I visited our old room. I remember burying my face in his pillow trying to get his scent still but it had long faded away. I still remember the way my heart felt every time I looked at something sweet or saw that gothic L on the screen. Sometimes I actually thought that Ryuk had actually written my name in the death note already, that's how bad it felt.

Even if I tried to forget everything something always reminds me of him. I never even told him how I truly felt. I knew while we were handcuffed that it was no longer friendship that I felt for the older male but love; a true sweet love that I knew I'd never feel again. Sometimes when I was alone I would wish that I got the death note back later, then maybe he'd still be here. Maybe if I got it later I would have already confessed my love and he would have accepted me for whom I was. But that didn't happen, everything went according to plan. L lost and Kira won. That's right, _Kira _won. Not Light Yagami; Light Yagami lost everything when L died.

I can't get him back. I can't get the jet-black hair, the beautiful pale skin, the dark mysterious eyes, or the incredibly intelligent mind back. It's gone. It was all gone. He wasn't going to come back, he was never ever going to say my name again in that deep baritone voice and I would never be able to tell him that I love him. I still do love him, even after all this time. I can never forget him and even if I did try before, I'm not sure if I do want to forget him. Huh, even after his death he still confuses me. I hate and love that about him I guess…

Now as I lay on the cold hard staircase I call out to all of my allies but only he is in my mind. I remember when I first got that death note and curse myself for ever picking up the object. I remember the first time I truly met him. I remember when we were handcuffed. And last I remember his eyes when he looked at me as he died. Eyes full of sadness, confusion yet at the same time understanding, and most of all betrayal. I betrayed him. _I _betrayed him. I couldn't control Kira and I killed him. I felt the one person I loved in my arms and I felt his heart cease to beat. I saw the life fade away in his eyes and I couldn't stop it. For years those eyes haunted me. Thinking of 'what could have happened' or 'what if' plagued me.

The pain I felt never subsided. The guilt could never be consoled. The forgiveness would never come. And the worst part, there's not a damn thing in the world I can ever do about it.

**Ok that was weird to write… so tell me how I did lol. Sorry about the rambling at times and the OOC-ness**

**Ok so if you got confused during the story Light is like reminscing about when he was still alive and how he feels bad that he can never be forgiven by L. He's thinking about all of this while he was dying. **

**Review!**


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